10 Things I have learned (or re-learned) since living in a house habituated by a toddler…
1. Stepping on Lego hurts like a bloody mofo. I’m sure it was painful enough when I actually was a kid, but now I weigh a lot more, and my reflexes are slower, making for prolonged foot-on-plastic contact. And Lego’s not the only thing, any small item buried in a shaggy rug is a bear trap. Soggy lollies, wet wipes, and don’t even ask me how it feels to kneel on a matchbox car.
2.If you hear the sentence ‘It’s raining!’ merrily being sung out, and you damn well know it isn’t, you better run to find out what liquid is being poured where, and how much there is.
3. Sometimes the name of an object will change and you bloody well better learn it, fast. For example, if someone requests a Vegemite sandwich while pointing at the Peanut Butter jar do not say ‘That’s Peanut Butter, this other one is Vegemite.’ You will be wrong, and proved this by someone continuing to point at the jar of what you may know as Peanut Butter and scream forcefully ‘Vegemite!’ Peanut Butter is now called Vegemite in your world, the sooner you understand and accept this, the better.
4. Bubble bath is great, but as soon as a bar of regular soap hits the water, the bubbles are immediately murdered. Why, I don’t know, but as it is somehow understood worldwide by humans between the ages of 1 and 3 that bubbles are the most amazing things, and having them die in the bath with you can be great cause for misery.
5.Automatic doors are not handy, in fact they are a dangerous inconvenience. Sadly, only other parents/carers of toddlers will share your view, everyone else thinks they’re simply great news.
6. Jumping on the bed and playing wrestles can be one of the most thrilling and giggle-worthy activities. Not to mention super-fun, until someone snaps a bed slat.
7. It is perfectly acceptable to cry over spilt milk. Especially when it is carefully and tediously expressed breast milk, and the baby is too small to understand the 5 second rule.
8. Everything belongs to the toddler of the house. Everything in the world, unless it’s broken. That’s it.
~9.Yes, children are essentially the vampires of your life, sucking away every ounce of anything possible from you, energy, money, time, sleep, dignity, the ability to remember where your car is parked at the shopping centre. No, you don’t care, and yes it’s absolutely worth it.
10. Even though you will never sleep properly again, and I mean never, a home with a toddler is the fullest, funnest most perfectly wonderful place on earth!