How a woman cooks a barbeque…How a man cooks a barbeque…
I would like to clarify that this article is intended to be entirely satirical. I am taking the piss based on stereotypical opinions and in no way does this represent my true assumptions on the matter. So please, don’t take it seriously, have a giggle 🙂
HOW A WOMAN COOKS A BARBEQUE…
-24 hours prior to barbeque the woman confirms predicted attendance numbers by studying R.S.V.P’s and meticulously telephoning anyone who has not replied.
-The woman forms a detailed list of brands and volumes of food and drink required, based upon guests sex-weight ratio.
-List generally includes, beer, wine, six varieties of soft drink, lettuce, tomato, three cheeses, carrots, cabbage, onions, potatoes, two types of pasta, butter, margarine and canola spread, low fat mayonnaise, cheese cracker biscuits, semi sun-dried tomatoes, salami – both hot and mild, kabana, mustard, tomato sauce, barbeque sauce, black pepper, white pepper, rock salt, table salt, sea salt, extra virgin first cold pressed olive oil bought only in a green bottle, paper towel, plastic knives, forks, plates and cups, white bread, brown bread, wholegrain bread, white rolls, brown rolls, wholegrain rolls, nineteen varieties of gourmet sausages, chicken sausages, gluten free sausages, bone free chops, marinated steaks, chicken bits, both honey soy and satay, a new spatula, tongs and apron, hamburgers, lamb burgers, chicken burgers, beef burgers, tofu burgers and veggie burgers.
-The woman is in bed at precisely 9pm to awake early and prepare.
-7:30am BBQ morning the woman collects pre-ordered bakery products, then begins preparing salads. This involves cutting cheeses and kabanas and making platters, making coleslaw, tossed salads, two varieties of pasta salads, cutting onions and potatoes, pouring condiments into appropriate bottles, chilling drinks, and cleaning barbecue.
-The woman uses a spirit level and squares of cardboard under the bbq legs to determine a level cooking plate.
-The woman then cleans the BBQ by hosing it with the pressure washer. Then turning it on to scrape off excess fat and bird shit with a spade. She then disinfects it with Domestos and White King. Using two rolls of paper towel, she mops up and rinses all excess then covers the plate with a tarp and tea towels until cooking time.
-The woman spends three hours preparing herself, ensuring her apron covers her clothes during cooking and serving process’s. Previous to, during, and after grooming, she asks, orders, and yells at husband to wipe down and organize outdoor tables and chairs, then does it all herself anyway.
-When guests arrive, the woman graciously welcomes them, taking their coats, shows the guests where the bathroom and drinks are and generally hosts. Before she begins cooking, the woman preheats the barbecue for exactly five minutes using precisely 50mls of extra virgin first cold pressed olive oil. When the barbecue plate is at the correct temperature, the woman begins to cook.
-This involves a meticulous and carefully planned process of caramelizing onion, frying potato slices, turning sausages, flipping burgers, and buttering bread and rolls in between.
-After the main meal is cooked and served, the woman pushes the barbecue behind the shed declining offers of help to clean it, insisting she will do it tomorrow. The woman then sneaks behind the shed on the other side and cleans the barbecue before going inside for an hour to freshen up.
-Upon her re-arrival to the backyard, the woman checks and confirms the placing and availability of finger food, before finally relaxing in a chair with a wine.
HOW A MAN COOKS A BARBECUE…
-The man gets drunk at the pub on a Friday night with his work mates and slurrily invites them to a barbecue lunch the next day, an invitation he promptly forgets extending.
-The man wakes at 11am the next morning with no clothes on, a mouth like cotton and something indefinable and sticky in his hair. He scratches his balls for five minutes before stretching and rolling out of bed. He farts long and hard, then slouches to the bathroom for a three minute piss leaning against the wall. He scratches his hairy stomach, double checks his wife isn’t standing at the door ready to whack him on the head for trying to drunkenly spoon her at 3am that morning, then drags on a pair of old footy shorts.
-The man then opens the fridge, cheers loudly when he finds an unopened beer, flops onto the couch, picks his nose, flicks it, and turns on the footy. At 1 o’clock, the man is jerked from his afternoon nap by shouting and banging. A gaggle of mates pour into the house, cheering and yelling.
-The man scratches his head, cheers and rises, shoving them out the back door as quickly as they come in the front before the sneakily hiding missus sees them all and starts throwing plates.
-The man drags the barbeque from behind the shed (with help) wipes off the leaves and spiders with his hand, scratches his arse crack and lights it up. A mate digs around in the shed freezer and yanks out a few bags of frozen snags, chucking them in the microwave for fifteen minutes.
-The missus arrives home from sports with the kids, (that’s where she was!) threatens the husband with testicle removal if anything gets stained, ruined or stolen, then escapes to her sister’s.
-The man scratches the inside of his ear then sends the kids to the bottle-shop on their bikes with trailers to collect the pre-ordered beer and smokes. When the barbeque is hot, the man scratches his dick, pours copious amounts of beer on the plate to lubricate, before the half microwave cooked sausages are slapped on. These are flipped once – in between the man batting at backyard cricket – and then slathered in tomato sauce after being shoved into half frozen slices of bread that were found in the freezer with the sausages.
-The barbecue is dragged back behind the shed to make more room for a game of markers up. After two bee stings, one dislocated finger, five ripped singlets, and seven empty slab boxes, some bright spark suggests taking the action to the pub.
-The kids get paid fifty cents each to pick up the empty stubbies and vacuum up the cigarette butts before mum gets home.
-The man waves goodbye to his mates and drunkenly stumbles up the hallway, pulling off his clothes as he goes, wipes his sticky hand across his head and crawls into bed.